He wants sex…you have another "headache"

You may be familiar with the days of complete exhaustion with work and kids, and by end of the day you simply want to relax and unwind. And next thing you know, your partner makes the move. His hands begin to wander around your body while he kisses your neck. You are exhausted and have no desire for sex. You simply are not in the mood. Cringing inside, the familiar thoughts of "Not now…" arise. You may even quickly scan your options: give in and have sex, gently say no, avoid it all cost, or tell him you have another "headache." Which option do you choose when the last thing on your mind is sex?

The bed is made for more than just sleeping, yet hundreds of women struggle with intimacy and lack the desire. What happens when he wants to have sex….but you don't? This is definitely an issue that needs to get addressed.

There are many reasons to why some women just don't want sex. Women don't get aroused the same way men do and the body functions differently. Sometimes the cause may be an organic and physical issue and a meeting with your doctor may help. And other times the lack of sexual intimacy can be caused by relationship instabilities, the discomfort in your own skin, low energy levels, and past traumas.

Let's take a look at a few of these issues…

Secure vs. Insecure Relationships:
Insecure relationships not only create discomfort out of the bedroom, it also can damage the bedroom interactions. The more anxious and insecure the relationship is, the more it impacts the ability to become vulnerable with intimacy. For example: Yo-Yo relationships going from really good to really bad can cause the worry of "when is the next time we fight?" feeling. Sex is the rawest form of attaching with your partner, and a necessity in a relationship. Start working on building a solid foundation in your relationship. Seek outside resources such as books, relationship seminars, couples counseling, guidance from friends, etc. Learn more about Creating a Strong Connection.

Comfort in your own Skin:
Feeling uncomfortable in your skin can be painful and on-going battle. The more you are in battle with your body; the less likely you will be open in the bedroom. This may include growing up with the "no-no" sex topics in family and the negative messages from church. These can strongly influence feeling comfortable in your own skin and negatively damage your sexual interactions. Remember, sex is good for the relationship. Take note of the messages you got growing up, and make your own decision about what sex is about. Get comfortable in your own skin and start building a healthy relationship with your body. If you have struggled with feeling uncomfortable in your own skin, seek counseling to make a long term change.

Energy levels:
If your energy level is depleted by the end of the day, you have too much on your plate. Exhaustion is your body telling you that you are over-worked and need down time, without neglecting the relationship. Pick times of day when you have energy and are open for sex, such as morning time or lunch time. Don't take on the "super woman" approach. Ask for help. Take breaks during the day and catch up on your to-do list. "You" time can help rejuvenate you and give you the energy to tend to your partner. Not only will this help you with your relationship, but it will also help you feel better about yourself.

Past Trauma:
Rape, molestation, and sexual abuse may have occurred in the past, yet can rear its ugly head in intimacy. You might notice becoming tense when touched, or avoid sexual encounters, or even become anxious in the evenings. Some victims of abuse try to put the abuse in the past and move on, but unfortunately the body remembers trauma and may be retriggered during intimacy. Talk to your partner about the past and create a team-like approach to navigate through this issue in the bedroom.